Small voices

I spoke to my father on the phone yesterday. His memory and word-finding difficulties were out in force. It was painful to hear him struggle. Perhaps it is a blessing that he does not appear to be aware of how much his brain is failing him. Perhaps he wonders why there are more family members and strangers around the house. I wish I knew.

Hanging up, I had one of those strange coincidences. I am was struggling to find the right words to pray. Do I pray for a miraculous recovery or a rapid end to his suffering? I have no idea what would be best for him and for those that love him.

As I struggled with what I should offer in prayer, a strange thing happened. The Grateful Dead's "Box of Rain" came up in the playlist on the stereo. One verse stood out:

Walk into splintered sunlight, 

Inch your way through dead dreams to another land. 

Maybe you're tired and broken,

Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through?

A box of rain will ease the pain, and love will see you through.

It works as a prayer for what I was feeling at that moment. All I want to know is what I can do to see him through. Somehow praying for what I want or he might want seems presumptuous and a tad arrogant. I have no clue what is truly best for him. Doing what I can to ease this time for him is all I really need. No remorse over things not said or not done.

Be it ever so irrational, that just seems to be the way the Holy Spirit speaks to us. The words we need to hear suddenly appear and there is a moment of near perfect clarity.

All too often, it was not the answer I had hoped for. It is not the easy path. On the contrary, more often than not, it is the path filled with hairpin curves, rocks, and thorns. It is also the path that makes you feel most alive.

It boils down to the difference between superstition and faith. Superstition is thinking you have control over the actions of God. Faith is about learning to listen to God. Less about controlling the universe and more about it understanding it.